Lindsay Lohan

Okay, I know she's been a pain in the ass for a year now. But the justice system hasn't been much better, so I still have to opine about this topic.

I personally think Lindsay is a 5 year old girl in the body of a 24 year old actress. She needs to grow up, but the circumstances of her life really make that a difficult feat to accomplish. So what should we do?

Well, on the one hand, she has violated some laws which have landed her in the criminal justice system. That system is very rigid; everyone is expected to respond appropriately. Of course, if you tell a 5 year old, "You're in big trouble, Mister!" they're probably going to stick their tongue out at you.

Nevertheless, she is a criminal, right? She drove a car under the influence of a controlled substance.

Wait a minute. She drove a car under the influence of a controlled substance.

She was under the influence of a controlled substance.

A controlled substance.

Let's just leave the "she drove..." out of the equation for a moment. The "controlled substance" is the only debatable point here. Alcohol is a controlled substance. As a physician, I have to say, I am against the recreational use of chemical substances to alter your mood or perception of reality (not that there is anything wrong with that! Sorry...channeling Seinfeld). Still, most controlled substances, if they are not combined with driving, have no negative impact on those who do not participate. Taking controlled substances wreaks havoc on your body and mind, but what you as an individual choose to do to your body or mind is none of my business.

Disclaimer: light up a cigarette (or any other burning substance) next to me and you're affecting my lungs too...watch how fast drown your cigs and bitch slap you.

So...Lindsay wants to f* up her life by taking drugs, that's her problem. Let her. Don't waste my news time or my taxes on trying to force her to change her habits.

So now let's deal with the "driving" part. The California Driver's Handbook emphasizes that driving is a privilege, not a right. I totally agree with that. If you are a good driver, California will allow you to drive on the streets, highways and freeways. If you don't drive safely, you're really in possession of a deadly weapon, and too stupid to know how to use it. It's the equivalent of giving a bazooka to a 5 year old.

So what should we do? Well, if I were the judge, I'd tell Lindsay one thing:

Bitch, you can throw your life away on drugs if you want, I don't give a $#*!. You can disrespect me if you want: I'm above that. But you have two choices: you can follow the rules and keep your license, or you can prove to me you still like to make bad choices, and I'll take your driver's license away for the rest of your life. I'm not going to play games with you. You're on probation for 5 years: no driving under the influence. We'll outfit your car with a breathalyzer, and if you blow 0.0001 with no good reason (like you had Nyquil to control your cold symptoms that day). Or you can take plan B: no probation, and for the rest of your life you must have a driver take you everywhere.

Maybe it's just because I'm tired of that f*ing helicopter flying around my house whenever that brat has to go to court (like I'm sure it will this Friday).

MTV VMAs last night

Chelsea Handler is a great comedienne, in my opinion, and I love comedy. Just ask my parents…from a very young age I have parroted my favorite comedy stand-up routines, sometimes to their enjoyment, sometimes to their tremendous embarrassment. To this day I love to watch Stand-Up…I have satellite TV specifically to get Comedy Central.

Chelsea Lately … ok, well, it’s not on Comedy Central. It’s on E! Entertainment Television. But it’s a good show. Comedic commentary on current events. I can’t say I care much for the skits she does at the end of the show, but the panel discussions are pretty good, in my humble opinion.

And I have always thought the only reason to watch any awards show is the host. Too many musical artists can’t pull off a live performance. Award winners can be found in the news the next day. Even the best and worst dressed are better the next day. If the host sucks, I see no reason to watch the show.

But last night’s VMAs just sucked. Chelsea was stiff, uncomfortable and basically lost. The writing was horrible. About the only thing that I found entertaining was LiLoh’s self-deprecating rant. “Pull it together, Handler! Do you think anyone wants to work with a drunk? Take it from me…they don’t!” If you ask me, in those 20 seconds she outshined Handler…and made me believe she might actually have a chance at getting back on top of Hollywood.

I hope Chelsea gets a chance to host another awards show. But if she does, I hope she’ll bring the writers from her E! program.