Friday, November 4, 2011

Elemental Crap

Ok, a friend of mine shared a really funny picture on his Facebook account:

 Of course, being the joker I am, I had to make my own. I hope it hasn't already been done, and I hope no one gets upset with me for sharing something that isn't mine (Ah!) and taking it a step further:

The element Bu is Group 2 element. As such, it is a shiny silver-white color (paradoxically so, given that we tend to think of it as dark and dull). Furthermore, it is highly reactive, as pretty much everyone who has ever come across it knows, and is therefore not usually found alone in nature, though with work it can be isolated.

Note that Bu precedes Ah!, both on the periodic table as well as in nature - one usually has a certain amount fear (or at least trepidation, a lighter isotope of fear) before surprise. Thankfully, though present all over the world in small amounts, fear is rarely found in large quantities in any one area at any one time. This is very fortunate, as Ah!, a much more common element, becomes unstable and dangerous in the presence of large quantities of Bu. The chemical reaction:

turns into a nuclear reaction when Bu is present in concentrations greater than 1.728 moles/L. Under such circumstances, Bu and Ah! fuse, giving rise to Cp-497 (crap-497), which forms spontaneously in the Tw of those in the immediate vicinity. Bb seems to afford protection from this reaction, though causality studies have not been performed, and Bb users ardently maintain they have a natural immunity (deemed "the coolness factor"*) to the BuAh/Cr transmutation. If this is indeed true, then exchange of Bb for Tw would not transmit "the coolness factor," but would merely be a waste of Bb.

It is important to note that free Cr-497 is stable, but highly toxic and potentially deadly. Contact with it can cause any number of nasty diseases, any or all of which quickly become self-perpetuating. Upon discovery of free Cr-497, it is imperative that the element be immediately buried, and thorough decontamination of all contact surfaces must be judiciously performed. Once buried, Cr-497 undergoes spontaneous fission over a period of weeks to months, forming various isotopes of Fz.

  • Bu - Fearious, commonly referred to as the element of fear
  • Ah! - Surprisium, commonly referred to as the element of surprise
  • Fz - Fertilizium, commonly referred to as fertilizer
  • Cp - Crapius, commonly referred to as crap. It also goes by many other names, too numerous to mention here. Tomes have been written concerning Cp and its effects (ask a librarian where to find info on Crap)(e.g. Everything You Have Ever Wanted to Know About Crap But Were Afraid to Ask), and for readers interested in learning more, I may post an essay on the subject in the near future, depending on the expressed level of interest.
  • Tw - tightus whitus, commonly referred to as tighty whities
  • Bb - Briefium boxerulius, commonly referred to as infinitely superior to Tw, both in comfort and protection, as well as durability and resistance to ridicule from sexual partners.
*note: there are those who postulate that "the coolness factor" is also a natural element (Fc, Figora captant), found only in certain individuals, which cannot be isolated, reproduced, or transmitted ("Either you have it or you don't"). This author rejects that hypothesis as an overly simplistic explanation of a complex phenomenon.