Thursday, March 24, 2011

Fat Cat or Happy Cat

I have a problem with my cats. They eat. My mother always put down a bowl full of dry cat food and would let her cats eat as much as they wanted. There would always be food in their dish, and they could help themselves throughout the day.

The problem is, her cats are fat. Very fat. And I've been told that it is not good for a cat to be that fat. Makes sense to me ... if human's can't handle being obese, why should a cat be able to get away with it? The vet tells me I have to keep my cat's weight down so I reduce their portions (I'd put them on a treadmill, but they're cats: if they can't figure a way out of it, they'll just take revenge on me later).

The problem with this is that almost every minute of my "I'm home, not sitting down and not sleeping" day I have to deal with between one and three cats meowing frantically, trying to lead me to the closet in which they know I hide their food supply. Heaven forbid I actually have to walk in the direction of said closet, or worse, open that closet. They get all excited and dance around, thinking I'm going to give them more food, even though I just fed them 30 minutes ago. They're so insistent I end up having to tell them, "No," repeatedly.

This ends up stressing me out, and the, "No," turns into, "No!" sometimes accompanied by a stamping of my foot. Of course this, in turn, stresses out my cats (or so I believe). So this makes me wonder: is it better to limit the caloric intake of my cats, keeping them a healthy weight but making them believe they are always hungry and causing both them and me to suffer chronic stress, or allow them to eat all they want, living happily obese?

Friday, March 18, 2011

A week in ...

It has been a week since the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, and the situation continues to deteriorate. Thousands of people are homeless, many of whom are of advanced age, and the winter weather does not let up. It is cold, they are exposed to the elements, they have little food and less water, and the danger from TEPCOs damaged nuclear power plant is growing daily.

Yet people on the US west coast seem more worried about their own exposure to radioactive winds than those still suffering in Japan. All reports, and even common sense, tell us that the radiation will be so dissipated by the time it reaches the US that it will pose almost no risk (and we say almost no risk simply because there is no such thing as no risk), yet Americans spend time, eneregy and resources (including dollars) trying to protect themselves from this non-threat. I have even heard some people say that we should not be asking our troops to risk themselves trying to help.

It would be my hope that people would see that we must think more about those at "ground zero" than those "back home." Japan cannot fix this on its own, and we cannot sit back and think, "Better you than me." Even if you refuse the notion of altruism, helping over there is the best way to protect over here. If the problem is not fixed at the source, our exposure will only grow.

If you're thinking of buying, or trying to buy, potassium iodide pills, don't bother. You don't need them. You also don't need a home geiger counter. Instead, donate that money to an organization directly involved in fixing the problem. It'll go much farther in protecting you than anything else you could do.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Glee and KTLA

Sam Rubin, you've disappointed me ...

KTLA morning news likes to talk about issues in their 9 o'clock hour, and this morning Sam Rubin (entertainment reporter) turned to a same-sex kiss aired last night on Glee (male/male, looked like they were having dinner to me, but the dialogue made it seem they were in the school's music room).

Oddly, no discussion was sparked by last week's incident: a total makout session with two (fully dressed) girls lying on a bed. Sam did show that clip during the discussion, but the focus was the male/male kiss last night.

Sam mentioned that he was watching the show, which airs at 8 PM, with his 9 year old daughter, and he therefore felt 8 PM was too early for showing this kiss (again, why was last week's makeout session in a bed not cause for alarm?).

Fellow reporter, anchor Jessica Holmes then asked, "Now, did your 9 year old have any questions ... or ...?"

Sam's reply: "She was like, 'Oh! Are they dating?' "

Sam, I love you, but GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR BUTT! Why do you have to create a scandal over a kiss you think your child is too young to see if her only question was, "Oh, so they're finally dating?" (I can only assume the daughter sees the show regularly with Sam, and knows that the two guys involved have been dancing around dating for several weeks or months). She was totally okay with the kiss ... you are the one with the problem! Check your baggage at the door!

Am I wrong? Let me know.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Improv last night ...

Here's a transcript of what I presented at the Improv in Hollywood last night. Some of it's from previous posts, and I think there are a few new things scattered here and there. Let me know what you think.

Just moved to LA a few months ago. This is a tough town! Living over here on the west side, I found a hair ... cut ... you know, place ... I mean, come on! I'm a guy! She's a barber to me! But noooo ... they're hair stylists, or hair artists, or something ... I don't know. Anyway, so I'm driving back to my place, along Melrose, and I look to the right, and there's Peter Pan ... Flipping me off! I'm like, WTF? And he's at a tee-shirt shop! He's got some anger issues if he's standing on a corner, hawking tee-shirts and flipping me off.

About a month ago I had to go to the LAX area. That's interesting, right? I'm driving down the street and everywhere I look I see, "Live Nudes!" "Live! Live! Live!" It was so weird ... every time I see one of those signs, I think, "Where do you go to see the DEAD nudes?" And, "who are all these creepy people that need to be told that they will only see LIVE nudes in that business?"

OMG, and speaking of jobs in the adult industry, what is with Charlie Sheen and his obsession with dating porn stars? If he was just going for a pretty face with big chichis, I think he would end up with fewer porn stars. I mean, people watching porn are not looking at faces.

I wonder if he thinks he'll get more sex from a porn star than a 'regular Jane.' I would think that would not be the case. They spend all day doing that at work. I would think they would come home to a horny Chuck and be all, "Awww, come on, Charlie! I just had 4 guys banging me for the last 6 hours! I need a break. Maybe tomorrow, ok?"

I'm no porn star ... I'm a doctor, and when I was in my internship, I delivered 85 babies in two months of OB/GYN. I know that the last thing I wanted to see when I got home was another vagina. If any job could turn a man gay, it's gotta be Obstetrician.

Speaking of gay, did anyone see the Oscars? What about that James Franco? Could he be any gayer? I'm not talking about limp-wrists or lisps, I mean three hours next to Anne Hathaway and you have to keep your head turned more than 90 degrees away from her? She could have had an onion and garlic sandwich IN HER HAND while I was next to her, and I would STILL be all, "Hey, YOU doin? Tic-Tac?"

Sunday, March 6, 2011

WikiLeaks on Stephen Colbert

Ok, I have to admit I love Stephen Colbert. He is so funny ... well, at least 50% of the time. Now, I know this is old, but I was a little behind on my DVR, so I just saw it yesterday, but I have to share this, because it is just too funny.

Background: Aaron Barr (of HB Gary) reportedly suggested to BofA (who reportedly got in contact with Barr at the suggestion of the Law Firm of Hunton & Williams, who was recommended to them [BofA] by the US Justice Department) that they should hire him (Barr) to hack WikiLeaks and plant false information to discredit them (WikiLeaks). Confused? Read it again ... it'll make sense.

So Barr tells BofA he can hack WikiLeaks and ruin them, but WikiLeaks has a self-appointed cyber guard called Anonymous, a group of independent hackers dedicated to, among other things, protecting WikiLeaks. I have to transcribe this next part directly from Stephen Colbert, because it is just too funny exactly the way Stephen and his writers created it:


But first, he had to take out WikiLeaks Guard Dog, Anonymous. Barr threatened Anonymous by telling the Financial Times he had collected information on their core leaders, including many of their real names. Now, to put that in hacker terms, Anonymous is a hornets' nest, and Barr said, I'm going to stick my penis in that thing...

Because, faster than you could say, "Get these hornets off my penis!" Anonymous took down Barr's website, stole his emails, deleted the company's backup data, trashed his twitter account and remotely wiped his iPad.

And he had just reached the Ham 'em High level on Angry Birds. Anonymous then published all of Barr's emails, including one from his wife saying, "I will file for divorce," AND Barr's World of Warcraft name, "sevrynsten." That's right, they ruined BOTH his lives!

_end quote.

I don't really have a comment here, other than, "um...yeah...people gotta watch what they say they can do. Don't piss off the wrong people. We all need to play nice in the sandbox."

Maybe Charlie Sheen should have extrapolated this lesson to his situation ... The broadcast was from before he started really pissing people off, I think.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Charlie Sheen

I don't get Charlie Sheen's preference for porn stars.

If he was just going for a pretty face with big chichis, I think he would end up with fewer porn stars. Let's face it, people watching porn are not looking at faces.

I wonder if he thinks he'll get more sex from a porn star than a 'regular Jane.' I would think that would not be the case. I mean, they spend all day doing that at work. I would think they would come home to a horny Chuck and be all, "Awww, come on, Charlie! I just had four guys banging me for the last 6 hours! I need a break. Maybe tomorrow, ok?"

I mean, when I was in my internship, I delivered 85 babies in two months of OB/GYN. I know that the last thing I wanted to see when I got home was another vagina. If any job could turn a man gay, it's gotta be Obstetrician. The most beautiful experience in the world my butt! It's all a bunch of screaming, gushing, oozing, and juggling of the slime covered lizard that arrives ... not only do I not want to go home and see another vagina, I never want to do anything that would cause my wife to create such a mess!

I can't imagine that he's looking for status. "Look at me ... I bagged a porn star!" Right or wrong (I think most likely WRONG), people would tend to think, "Um ... how hard is that? She's a porn star ... gotta be a nympho." And while I think most porn stars would probably not be like this, I think the ones who are hanging out with Chucky are most likely in it for the money and/or exposure.

Then again, I know zero porn stars ... for all I know, they're using "porn star" as a euphemism for "prostitute," in which case it all makes sense ... Chucky is paying to have some arm candy hanging around, and probably even offer up the sexual side of the equation on demand.

Not a great financial plan, but at least it's a well defined business agreement.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Oscars

So I wanted to say something about the Oscars, but I didn't get a chance to write yesterday.

James Franco has got to be gay. That's the only explanation I can find for his performance on Sunday night. Anne Hathaway did a great job with the material she was given (and wow! I had no idea she could sing that well!) She engaged the audience and even tried to engage James.

But he was having none of it. I mean, even if Anne had rotten teeth, a gall bladder problem and had just eaten a garlic and onion sandwich, her breath could not have been so awful that it could explain James being so intent on not looking at her. It was as if he found her mere existence disgusting and disdainful. Perhaps he skipped his Oscar after-party and hopped a plane back home so he could kiss his boyfriend and get the bad aftertaste out of his mouth.

It was also painfully obvious that he was HUI (hosting under the influence). Even in the pre-show interviews he was acting strange, and curiously enchanted by one interviewer's iPhone, as if he had never seen such a device before in his life. I would have totally understood if Anne had kept turning away from him, taking a step or two away to maintain a fresh-air zone.

One wonders if the Academy realizes they'll never recapture the great performaces of previous shows. Billy Crystal came out and showed that great performers still exist. Then they rolled a few clips from Bob Hope's (many) days as MC. They planned this look back...why don't they take their own hint? You want a good show, get a good MC, and that good MC has historically been a great stand-up comedian. Trying to go "younger and hipper" (their words, through Anne Hathaway), they'll never please anyone. They need to go with a good comedian. If you want young, may I suggest John Mulaney, Bo Burnham or Gabriel Iglesias? Bo may be a little too deadpan. I think Adam Ferrara, who is in his 40s, would be a great host and could appeal to a younger crowd. I am trying really had to think of a good female host, but Chelsea Handler has already bombed on another show, Kristen Schaal is good, but can get annoying, and I have not seen Rene Hicks, who is totally a riot, on anything in years. :-(

That aside, Thank GOD King's Speech won. I don't think I could have stomached hearing about that computer/internet related non-documentary (I refuse to even write The Social Network's title ... aww, damn it!) for another 6 months.

Now to focus on the great movies of this year!