The Oscars

So I wanted to say something about the Oscars, but I didn't get a chance to write yesterday.

James Franco has got to be gay. That's the only explanation I can find for his performance on Sunday night. Anne Hathaway did a great job with the material she was given (and wow! I had no idea she could sing that well!) She engaged the audience and even tried to engage James.

But he was having none of it. I mean, even if Anne had rotten teeth, a gall bladder problem and had just eaten a garlic and onion sandwich, her breath could not have been so awful that it could explain James being so intent on not looking at her. It was as if he found her mere existence disgusting and disdainful. Perhaps he skipped his Oscar after-party and hopped a plane back home so he could kiss his boyfriend and get the bad aftertaste out of his mouth.

It was also painfully obvious that he was HUI (hosting under the influence). Even in the pre-show interviews he was acting strange, and curiously enchanted by one interviewer's iPhone, as if he had never seen such a device before in his life. I would have totally understood if Anne had kept turning away from him, taking a step or two away to maintain a fresh-air zone.

One wonders if the Academy realizes they'll never recapture the great performaces of previous shows. Billy Crystal came out and showed that great performers still exist. Then they rolled a few clips from Bob Hope's (many) days as MC. They planned this look back...why don't they take their own hint? You want a good show, get a good MC, and that good MC has historically been a great stand-up comedian. Trying to go "younger and hipper" (their words, through Anne Hathaway), they'll never please anyone. They need to go with a good comedian. If you want young, may I suggest John Mulaney, Bo Burnham or Gabriel Iglesias? Bo may be a little too deadpan. I think Adam Ferrara, who is in his 40s, would be a great host and could appeal to a younger crowd. I am trying really had to think of a good female host, but Chelsea Handler has already bombed on another show, Kristen Schaal is good, but can get annoying, and I have not seen Rene Hicks, who is totally a riot, on anything in years. :-(

That aside, Thank GOD King's Speech won. I don't think I could have stomached hearing about that computer/internet related non-documentary (I refuse to even write The Social Network's title ... aww, damn it!) for another 6 months.

Now to focus on the great movies of this year!

The Missing Pizza

Okay, so in the last post I alluded to a bad experience I had ordering a pizza online. I thought, rather than leave that allusion hanging out there all dead-endy, today I should tell you about that experience.

The thing is, I love to do all my shopping online. I can do it whenever I want, as fast or slow as I want, click, and then my merchandise just arrives at my doorstep. Wow ... I just realized ... the 21st century is the Century for Agoraphobics!

Anyway, most of the things one would order online, well, one is happy if they are delivered next day, and if it takes three days, or even a week, it's no big deal. But if you order a pizza, it's because you're hungry, right? I mean, next day, or heaven forbid, three day delivery is not an option.

So a few years ago (wow ... now that I think about it, it was nearly a decade ago) I was hungry at like 10 PM, in a hotel room in an unfamiliar area, so I went online to look for the closest pizza place. Pizza Hut popped up, with a website, and even an "Order Online Now" option. So I ordered online. It said it would be about 45 minutes. Not the best, but acceptable.

So an hour later when the pizza hadn't shown up, I ended up calling the place. I was not sure at that point in the evolution of the internet if the order had even made it to a real Pizza Hut, let alone the right Pizza Hut. The manager answered. Turns out his delivery boy went on a pizza run and disappeared. He was not concerned about the pizza boy (I would have been thinking: car accident, mugging, even kidnapping or something; but that's me channeling my mother).

So I went from not sure that my order had been properly placed to order-placement-confirmed-so-why-the-hell-am-I-still-hungry-and-waiting-an-hour-later to embarrassed that I'm upset about being slightly hungry and ordering a bazillion calories to be delivered to my doorstep by a pimply faced little boy who may have been murdered trying to bring me my eight dollars worth of gluttonous sin.

Needless to say, I don't order pizza online anymore.

I don't understand

Since this was a long weekend, I decided to splurge and order a pizza.

Now, normally I love the internet and prefer to do everything online, but Pizza is sorta time sensitive, and I had a bad experience ordering it online once, so I dialed my local pizza place. Of course, calling the order in, I was treated to seventeen commercials before I was connected to a person who could take my order.

And that's when I remembered the perils of customer service in Southern California.

"Tay jew for callin' Pisa Pala. My nay is Rosa, can I offer jew wan off de specials?"

WTF? Oh ... specials ... "No," I reply. "I want to place an order for delivery."

"Delivery? Wayuwa?"

OMG, I can't understand a thing this lady is saying. Maybe if I just plow through with the order she'll get it - after all, it's a pizza place, she has to be used to taking pizza orders. "Yes, I want to order a large original crust pizza with bacon, pepperoni and sausage."

"Alar?"

"Yes, a large."

"Wa yu wannonit?"

"Sorry?"

"Wa toppins?"

"Bacon, pepperoni and sausage," I said, trying to not sound as exasperated as I felt.

"Bayco?"

"Yes, bacon."

"Dadol?"

This is impossible. "Mira, yo hablo español, si te será más fácil," I said, letting her know I could speak in Spanish if she preferred. I hate doing that, because it is like telling the other person, "Look, my Spanish is better than your English." But I just want my $@#%! pizza!

"I sorry, I no speak espanish," she replied.

You've got to be kidding me! Her English is that horrible, and it is her first language? No wonder she's 40 years old and working at a pizza place.

And what about the guy who gave her the job? I mean, if answering the phone is an integral part of your job, you should speak the official language of the region well, or at least well enough to understand and be understood.

"Ok," I said, trying to remain calm. I just have to get through this order. Slowly I repeated my order. "I want a large. Original crust. Pizza. With Bacon. Pepperoni. And Sausage."

"Ah, okay, okay," she said. "Alar three toppin wit bayco, pepperoni an sausage. Woyu lie some howinz to go widjor pisa?"

"No, that is all, thank you."

"Your phone number?" she asked. I gave it. "An wha wudju lie to order?"

Damn it!

You know, the Safeway brand of frozen pizza is a fourth the price and has less than half the calories.