Elemental Crap

Ok, a friend of mine shared a really funny picture on his Facebook account:

 Of course, being the joker I am, I had to make my own. I hope it hasn't already been done, and I hope no one gets upset with me for sharing something that isn't mine (Ah!) and taking it a step further:

The element Bu is Group 2 element. As such, it is a shiny silver-white color (paradoxically so, given that we tend to think of it as dark and dull). Furthermore, it is highly reactive, as pretty much everyone who has ever come across it knows, and is therefore not usually found alone in nature, though with work it can be isolated.

Note that Bu precedes Ah!, both on the periodic table as well as in nature - one usually has a certain amount fear (or at least trepidation, a lighter isotope of fear) before surprise. Thankfully, though present all over the world in small amounts, fear is rarely found in large quantities in any one area at any one time. This is very fortunate, as Ah!, a much more common element, becomes unstable and dangerous in the presence of large quantities of Bu. The chemical reaction:

turns into a nuclear reaction when Bu is present in concentrations greater than 1.728 moles/L. Under such circumstances, Bu and Ah! fuse, giving rise to Cp-497 (crap-497), which forms spontaneously in the Tw of those in the immediate vicinity. Bb seems to afford protection from this reaction, though causality studies have not been performed, and Bb users ardently maintain they have a natural immunity (deemed "the coolness factor"*) to the BuAh/Cr transmutation. If this is indeed true, then exchange of Bb for Tw would not transmit "the coolness factor," but would merely be a waste of Bb.

It is important to note that free Cr-497 is stable, but highly toxic and potentially deadly. Contact with it can cause any number of nasty diseases, any or all of which quickly become self-perpetuating. Upon discovery of free Cr-497, it is imperative that the element be immediately buried, and thorough decontamination of all contact surfaces must be judiciously performed. Once buried, Cr-497 undergoes spontaneous fission over a period of weeks to months, forming various isotopes of Fz.

Symbols:

• Bu - Fearious, commonly referred to as the element of fear
• Ah! - Surprisium, commonly referred to as the element of surprise
• Fz - Fertilizium, commonly referred to as fertilizer
• Cp - Crapius, commonly referred to as crap. It also goes by many other names, too numerous to mention here. Tomes have been written concerning Cp and its effects (ask a librarian where to find info on Crap)(e.g. Everything You Have Ever Wanted to Know About Crap But Were Afraid to Ask), and for readers interested in learning more, I may post an essay on the subject in the near future, depending on the expressed level of interest.
• Tw - tightus whitus, commonly referred to as tighty whities
• Bb - Briefium boxerulius, commonly referred to as infinitely superior to Tw, both in comfort and protection, as well as durability and resistance to ridicule from sexual partners.

*note: there are those who postulate that "the coolness factor" is also a natural element (Fc, Figora captant), found only in certain individuals, which cannot be isolated, reproduced, or transmitted ("Either you have it or you don't"). This author rejects that hypothesis as an overly simplistic explanation of a complex phenomenon.

Improv last night ...

Here's a transcript of what I presented at the Improv in Hollywood last night. Some of it's from previous posts, and I think there are a few new things scattered here and there. Let me know what you think.

Just moved to LA a few months ago. This is a tough town! Living over here on the west side, I found a hair ... cut ... you know, place ... I mean, come on! I'm a guy! She's a barber to me! But noooo ... they're hair stylists, or hair artists, or something ... I don't know. Anyway, so I'm driving back to my place, along Melrose, and I look to the right, and there's Peter Pan ... Flipping me off! I'm like, WTF? And he's at a tee-shirt shop! He's got some anger issues if he's standing on a corner, hawking tee-shirts and flipping me off.

About a month ago I had to go to the LAX area. That's interesting, right? I'm driving down the street and everywhere I look I see, "Live Nudes!" "Live! Live! Live!" It was so weird ... every time I see one of those signs, I think, "Where do you go to see the DEAD nudes?" And, "who are all these creepy people that need to be told that they will only see LIVE nudes in that business?"

OMG, and speaking of jobs in the adult industry, what is with Charlie Sheen and his obsession with dating porn stars? If he was just going for a pretty face with big chichis, I think he would end up with fewer porn stars. I mean, people watching porn are not looking at faces.

I wonder if he thinks he'll get more sex from a porn star than a 'regular Jane.' I would think that would not be the case. They spend all day doing that at work. I would think they would come home to a horny Chuck and be all, "Awww, come on, Charlie! I just had 4 guys banging me for the last 6 hours! I need a break. Maybe tomorrow, ok?"

I'm no porn star ... I'm a doctor, and when I was in my internship, I delivered 85 babies in two months of OB/GYN. I know that the last thing I wanted to see when I got home was another vagina. If any job could turn a man gay, it's gotta be Obstetrician.

Speaking of gay, did anyone see the Oscars? What about that James Franco? Could he be any gayer? I'm not talking about limp-wrists or lisps, I mean three hours next to Anne Hathaway and you have to keep your head turned more than 90 degrees away from her? She could have had an onion and garlic sandwich IN HER HAND while I was next to her, and I would STILL be all, "Hey, Anne...how YOU doin? Tic-Tac?"

WikiLeaks on Stephen Colbert

Ok, I have to admit I love Stephen Colbert. He is so funny ... well, at least 50% of the time. Now, I know this is old, but I was a little behind on my DVR, so I just saw it yesterday, but I have to share this, because it is just too funny.

Background: Aaron Barr (of HB Gary) reportedly suggested to BofA (who reportedly got in contact with Barr at the suggestion of the Law Firm of Hunton & Williams, who was recommended to them [BofA] by the US Justice Department) that they should hire him (Barr) to hack WikiLeaks and plant false information to discredit them (WikiLeaks). Confused? Read it again ... it'll make sense.

So Barr tells BofA he can hack WikiLeaks and ruin them, but WikiLeaks has a self-appointed cyber guard called Anonymous, a group of independent hackers dedicated to, among other things, protecting WikiLeaks. I have to transcribe this next part directly from Stephen Colbert, because it is just too funny exactly the way Stephen and his writers created it:

_quote:

But first, he had to take out WikiLeaks Guard Dog, Anonymous. Barr threatened Anonymous by telling the Financial Times he had collected information on their core leaders, including many of their real names. Now, to put that in hacker terms, Anonymous is a hornets' nest, and Barr said, I'm going to stick my penis in that thing...

Because, faster than you could say, "Get these hornets off my penis!" Anonymous took down Barr's website, stole his emails, deleted the company's backup data, trashed his twitter account and remotely wiped his iPad.

And he had just reached the Ham 'em High level on Angry Birds. Anonymous then published all of Barr's emails, including one from his wife saying, "I will file for divorce," AND Barr's World of Warcraft name, "sevrynsten." That's right, they ruined BOTH his lives!

_end quote.

I don't really have a comment here, other than, "um...yeah...people gotta watch what they say they can do. Don't piss off the wrong people. We all need to play nice in the sandbox."

Maybe Charlie Sheen should have extrapolated this lesson to his situation ... The broadcast was from before he started really pissing people off, I think.

Charlie Sheen

I don't get Charlie Sheen's preference for porn stars.

If he was just going for a pretty face with big chichis, I think he would end up with fewer porn stars. Let's face it, people watching porn are not looking at faces.

I wonder if he thinks he'll get more sex from a porn star than a 'regular Jane.' I would think that would not be the case. I mean, they spend all day doing that at work. I would think they would come home to a horny Chuck and be all, "Awww, come on, Charlie! I just had four guys banging me for the last 6 hours! I need a break. Maybe tomorrow, ok?"

I mean, when I was in my internship, I delivered 85 babies in two months of OB/GYN. I know that the last thing I wanted to see when I got home was another vagina. If any job could turn a man gay, it's gotta be Obstetrician. The most beautiful experience in the world my butt! It's all a bunch of screaming, gushing, oozing, and juggling of the slime covered lizard that arrives ... not only do I not want to go home and see another vagina, I never want to do anything that would cause my wife to create such a mess!

I can't imagine that he's looking for status. "Look at me ... I bagged a porn star!" Right or wrong (I think most likely WRONG), people would tend to think, "Um ... how hard is that? She's a porn star ... gotta be a nympho." And while I think most porn stars would probably not be like this, I think the ones who are hanging out with Chucky are most likely in it for the money and/or exposure.

Then again, I know zero porn stars ... for all I know, they're using "porn star" as a euphemism for "prostitute," in which case it all makes sense ... Chucky is paying to have some arm candy hanging around, and probably even offer up the sexual side of the equation on demand.

Not a great financial plan, but at least it's a well defined business agreement.

I don't understand

Since this was a long weekend, I decided to splurge and order a pizza.

Now, normally I love the internet and prefer to do everything online, but Pizza is sorta time sensitive, and I had a bad experience ordering it online once, so I dialed my local pizza place. Of course, calling the order in, I was treated to seventeen commercials before I was connected to a person who could take my order.

And that's when I remembered the perils of customer service in Southern California.

"Tay jew for callin' Pisa Pala. My nay is Rosa, can I offer jew wan off de specials?"

WTF? Oh ... specials ... "No," I reply. "I want to place an order for delivery."

"Delivery? Wayuwa?"

OMG, I can't understand a thing this lady is saying. Maybe if I just plow through with the order she'll get it - after all, it's a pizza place, she has to be used to taking pizza orders. "Yes, I want to order a large original crust pizza with bacon, pepperoni and sausage."

"Alar?"

"Yes, a large."

"Wa yu wannonit?"

"Sorry?"

"Wa toppins?"

"Bacon, pepperoni and sausage," I said, trying to not sound as exasperated as I felt.

"Bayco?"

"Yes, bacon."

"Dadol?"

This is impossible. "Mira, yo hablo español, si te será más fácil," I said, letting her know I could speak in Spanish if she preferred. I hate doing that, because it is like telling the other person, "Look, my Spanish is better than your English." But I just want my $@#%! pizza!

"I sorry, I no speak espanish," she replied.

You've got to be kidding me! Her English is that horrible, and it is her first language? No wonder she's 40 years old and working at a pizza place.

And what about the guy who gave her the job? I mean, if answering the phone is an integral part of your job, you should speak the official language of the region well, or at least well enough to understand and be understood.

"Ok," I said, trying to remain calm. I just have to get through this order. Slowly I repeated my order. "I want a large. Original crust. Pizza. With Bacon. Pepperoni. And Sausage."

"Ah, okay, okay," she said. "Alar three toppin wit bayco, pepperoni an sausage. Woyu lie some howinz to go widjor pisa?"

"No, that is all, thank you."

"Your phone number?" she asked. I gave it. "An wha wudju lie to order?"

Damn it!

You know, the Safeway brand of frozen pizza is a fourth the price and has less than half the calories.

Bagels

So I was walking down the street in Beverly Hills the other day, and I noticed a sign that said, "Coming soon: Brooklyn Bagel Company." Below that, it said, "It's in the water!"

Really? The flavor of a Brooklyn Bagel Company bagel comes from the water? If their water is significantly different from the water used by any other bagel place, they must be getting it from either the Hudson or the East River. Either way, I don't think I'll be eating their bagels anytime soon.

Don't forget to check out America the Beautiful at http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/32964

Please write a review on Smashwords and/or Amazon.com.

Jane's Adventures in Eating will be out at the end of the week! Tell a friend!

Blue Plate Oysterette

In Santa Monica there is a restaurant called Blue Plate Oysterette. It's a nice place, and they serve good food.

Unfortunately, the sign on the front of the building just says "BP," with a sorta subliminal "oysterette" written in cursive across the bottom.

I wonder if the Gulf oil spill of 2010 (OMG, I just realized we're going to have to put dates on the disaster) has affected their business. I assume so: even if they never received any seafood from the Gulf of Mexico, the sign outside at the very least would give potential 'walk-in' customers pause.

There's something about brand name recognition, but I think I would consider changing the sign if I were them. Any opinions?

Don't forget to check out America the Beautiful at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/32964
Please write a review on Smashwords and/or Amazon.com.
Jane's Adventures in Eating will be out at the end of the week! Tell a friend!

Smoking

My parents smoke like chimneys.
When I was in my first year of college, I would come home from class in the early evening. Opening the front door, a shaft of light would break through the darkness of the living room (my dad would keep the place dark as a movie theater so he could enjoy the first generation large screen TV), and I could see the cloud bank that encompassed the whole place, from ceiling down to the level of your knees.

Then California rolled out the "no smoking in public buildings" laws. We usually ate out at least once per week, if not two or three times. In the early days, we could still sit on the patio and my dad could smoke. Later, even that disappeared from his option list, and they stopped going out.

So the other day my dad came to me and asked if I could get him a box of nicotine patches.

"Oh, are you guys finally going to quit smoking?" I asked, trying to hide my pride.

"No," he replied. "I'm taking your mother out to a fancy-schmancy restaurant for our 45th anniversary, and I think I'll need a few to get through the dinner."

Don't forget to check out America the Beautiful at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/32964
Please write a review on Smashwords and/or Amazon.com.
Jane's Adventures in Eating will be out at the end of the week! Tell a friend!

Faux Fur

The other day I saw a news report about a rally against the use of real fur in the production of clothing and accessories. They had the perfect spokesperson.

I don't think there is anything on Ms. Lavinthal that is not "faux." This woman has had so much plastic surgery I think that she may be a life-sized animatronic version of Barbie. She is the poster child for the faux future.

I'm not against the use of "faux fur." Anyone who wants to wear faux fur, more power to them. But I really think it's time to stop wearing faux noses, faux foreheads, faux lips, faux faces in general. When you stop looking human, you've gone a little too far on the plastic surgeries, baby.

Don't forget to check out America the Beautiful at http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/32964. Please write a review on Smashwords and/or Amazon.com.
Jane's Adventures in Eating will be out at the end of the week. Tell a friend!

BDSM Cat

So I think my cat is into bondage.

In a previous post I explained how my cat only really likes to be pet when I'm in the bathroom. The first time that happened, I kept pushing him away, but the more I pushed, the louder he purred, and the more interested he was in being pet.

So I pet him. Aggressively, hoping he'd go away. That just made him even more excited. He purred, and meowed, and purrowed, and meowurred ... he even meowurrowed. Now I scratch his back, and his belly, or both at the same time. I pat him like a dog, hard enough to push him to the floor. He rolls left, I push him right, he rolls right so I push him left. I have even tried spinning him.

It just makes him more excited, and as soon as I stop he runs back and shoves his face in my hand for more.


I have a cat with multiple paraphilias...


Don't forget to check out the e-book at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/32964
I was hoping to have a novella available today, but I wasn't able to write all weekend. It will be out at the end of the week! Tell a friend!
And please write a review on Smashwords and/or Amazon.com.

The odd thing about my cat ...

I don't understand why my cat will go to great lengths to avoid me when I call him and want to pet him, but gets very upset if I don't pet him while I am ... um ... "using the facilities." If I ever happen to walk by when he is using his cat box he gives me the evil eye, but when I go into my bathroom, he opens the door and throws himself at my feet, rolling around and meow-purring.

I have lever-style handles on my doors, so he learned how to open the door. I started locking the door, but the whole time I am in there, he sits outside, meowing as if he is in pain, so it became easier to just let him come in, especially since he comes running any time he hears noise in the bathroom (and you know how keen a cat's hearing is).

I almost feel sorry for him when I'm going into the shower. He runs in, thinking I'm headed for the throne, only to see me turn on that evil contraption. He looks upset, but stays fairly quiet, watching to make sure I really am going into that torture chamber. Sometimes, as I wait for the water to warm up, he sticks his face in, just to make sure that really is water shooting around in there. If I take a step his direction, he bolts back into the living room.

You'd think he'd be used to it by now. When I was in med school, after anatomy lab I would go home and get into the tub for about 30 minutes, hoping to get rid of the smell of formaldehyde and death. At that time I lived alone, and he would come in, stand on his hind legs meerkat style about 5 feet from the tub to make sure I was still alive.

Now he doesn't seem to care about my safety when faced with water coming down all around me. I guess he's pretty brave ... after all, a bathroom is a room totally dedicated to the use of water, mortal enemy of the house cat. Still, brave or not, it's a bit annoying at times to have to pet the cat while simultaneously doing my business.

I guess he doesn't understand the fact that it would be the equivalent of me rolling around on the floor in front of his cat box.

'Scuse me whilst I go poke out my mind's eye.

Don't forget to check out the e-book at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/32964
Hopefully I'll have a novella available by the end of this month! Tell a friend!
And please write a review on Smashwords and/or Amazon.com.

Cats ...

So I don't understand why they say cats are a gay man's pet. It's not about being gay, it's about living in an apartment. I love animals, and wanted to get a pet, and I actually didn't live in an apartment, I had my own house. But my house had a very small yard, so I didn't feel right getting a dog.

I could have gotten a dog...though probably would have needed to get a small dog (tell me that doesn't scream "gay"). I prefer big dogs - I wanted an Alaskan Husky or maybe a Labrador. That would have been borderline cruel, trapping a dog that big in a house that small. Even if I took it out for a walk twice a day, the poor thing would be cooped up the rest of the time.

On top of that, my uncle died, leaving an orphaned cat, so I "took it in."

See? Nothing about being gay ... just about being considerate to your pets.

Don't forget to check out the e-book at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/32964
Hopefully I'll have a novella available by the end of this month! Tell a friend!
And please write a review on Smashwords and/or Amazon.com.

MTV VMAs last night

Chelsea Handler is a great comedienne, in my opinion, and I love comedy. Just ask my parents…from a very young age I have parroted my favorite comedy stand-up routines, sometimes to their enjoyment, sometimes to their tremendous embarrassment. To this day I love to watch Stand-Up…I have satellite TV specifically to get Comedy Central.

Chelsea Lately … ok, well, it’s not on Comedy Central. It’s on E! Entertainment Television. But it’s a good show. Comedic commentary on current events. I can’t say I care much for the skits she does at the end of the show, but the panel discussions are pretty good, in my humble opinion.

And I have always thought the only reason to watch any awards show is the host. Too many musical artists can’t pull off a live performance. Award winners can be found in the news the next day. Even the best and worst dressed are better the next day. If the host sucks, I see no reason to watch the show.

But last night’s VMAs just sucked. Chelsea was stiff, uncomfortable and basically lost. The writing was horrible. About the only thing that I found entertaining was LiLoh’s self-deprecating rant. “Pull it together, Handler! Do you think anyone wants to work with a drunk? Take it from me…they don’t!” If you ask me, in those 20 seconds she outshined Handler…and made me believe she might actually have a chance at getting back on top of Hollywood.

I hope Chelsea gets a chance to host another awards show. But if she does, I hope she’ll bring the writers from her E! program.