I don't understand

Since this was a long weekend, I decided to splurge and order a pizza.

Now, normally I love the internet and prefer to do everything online, but Pizza is sorta time sensitive, and I had a bad experience ordering it online once, so I dialed my local pizza place. Of course, calling the order in, I was treated to seventeen commercials before I was connected to a person who could take my order.

And that's when I remembered the perils of customer service in Southern California.

"Tay jew for callin' Pisa Pala. My nay is Rosa, can I offer jew wan off de specials?"

WTF? Oh ... specials ... "No," I reply. "I want to place an order for delivery."

"Delivery? Wayuwa?"

OMG, I can't understand a thing this lady is saying. Maybe if I just plow through with the order she'll get it - after all, it's a pizza place, she has to be used to taking pizza orders. "Yes, I want to order a large original crust pizza with bacon, pepperoni and sausage."

"Alar?"

"Yes, a large."

"Wa yu wannonit?"

"Sorry?"

"Wa toppins?"

"Bacon, pepperoni and sausage," I said, trying to not sound as exasperated as I felt.

"Bayco?"

"Yes, bacon."

"Dadol?"

This is impossible. "Mira, yo hablo español, si te será más fácil," I said, letting her know I could speak in Spanish if she preferred. I hate doing that, because it is like telling the other person, "Look, my Spanish is better than your English." But I just want my $@#%! pizza!

"I sorry, I no speak espanish," she replied.

You've got to be kidding me! Her English is that horrible, and it is her first language? No wonder she's 40 years old and working at a pizza place.

And what about the guy who gave her the job? I mean, if answering the phone is an integral part of your job, you should speak the official language of the region well, or at least well enough to understand and be understood.

"Ok," I said, trying to remain calm. I just have to get through this order. Slowly I repeated my order. "I want a large. Original crust. Pizza. With Bacon. Pepperoni. And Sausage."

"Ah, okay, okay," she said. "Alar three toppin wit bayco, pepperoni an sausage. Woyu lie some howinz to go widjor pisa?"

"No, that is all, thank you."

"Your phone number?" she asked. I gave it. "An wha wudju lie to order?"

Damn it!

You know, the Safeway brand of frozen pizza is a fourth the price and has less than half the calories.